So far, my life seems to be rather tame since the divorce. I’ve worked towards simplifying things in my life: finances, relationships, etc. since my divorce. Most of it has been good, which is all I can really hope for.
What I’m now working on seems to be something of a quandary. In the past I would tend to fall back on what I know works for me. This means repeating some habits, good or bad, because they were known or at least manageable for me. At this point in my life I’m doing what I can to turn away from the habits that I know, especially the ones that seem to eventually cause me trouble. I have a couple of friends that really understand me and who, to a great degree, I can trust to tell me things that they observe about me – even if I might not want to hear it. This is a good thing, since they have my best interests at heart.
Of course at the risk of sounding rather vague, right now I’m focusing on the relationships part of my life and trying to break the usual patterns I’ve adopted over the years. This means having to prune my list of friends a bit and only focus on those that are either like the ones I mentioned above, or those that are a stretch for me – people that I wouldn’t ordinarily gravitate towards (probably from my own insecurities or preconceptions) so I can find new people that I might have missed along the way. So far it’s been interesting, to say the least. Things seem to be coming to a head with a couple of them and I’m at a point where I’ll need ascertain if the relationship is ultimately positive or negative to my life.
Mostly what means the most to me revolves around inclusion and the intentional pursuit of being a friend. Being that I tend to be a giver in most regards (aside from material things) it can sometimes mean that I can get used by others. Either by not seeming to find me worthy enough to be included in their lives – not just sectioned off as just a little piece of it, sorta off-set and in a box only to be pulled out when the need arises or a one-sided deal where I’m there for them, but they’re not really there for me when I could use a friend.
A good friendship means a reciprocal exchange where value is placed upon the person enough to include them and bring them into the mainstream of their existence. You talk about and introduce them to some of the other friends you have. You encourage them to join you in the fun activities you share. You engage them in conversation and try to really know them, working towards building trust and rapport in as much of a balanced way as possible.
Not all relationships will fall within this, which can be just fine. This probably means more of them being a loose friendship but not really a bonding one… possibly just an aquaintance that you may see or talk to on occasion, but it’s more of a superficial type of thing. There is a place for these people in one’s life, but it should probably be to a lesser extent than those who truly place a priority on being a friend to you.
So this is where I am right now. Some of my relationships seem to be defining themselves rather clearly. The pruning has begun, so we’ll see who sticks around and who I have to let go of in order to open up room to allow time for me to find other friends who care about me as much as I care about them.
This entry doesn’t like to lose friends but knows that those who
don’t seem to make an effort at being one, really aren’t one.
